This year was my first Vision Quest after doing CC 4 times in the last 6 years. After some on and off back injury and leg issues over the last 18months I knew this wasn’t going to be easy but having just turned 40 I figured it would be a really good challenge to set myself. I only did a few long rides in training and figured it might be a struggle but I would do my best. My last two Counting Coup rides had been personal races where I was at the more ‘pointy’ end of the field – I’d felt like I was kind of genuinely competing although I’m no expert racer or anything.
So I line up with Sarah at the front of the pack at the crack of dawn with Tinker nearby and Andy Lightle. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere near the front this time. To make me feel like even more of a fraud I’d bought myself a fancy S-Works as a 40 th birthday present and to some degree I felt like I didn’t belong on it. I was feeling like somehow I just didn’t have it anymore. I joked with Andy about pulling over after we get going. I did just that – Andy bailed on me and rocketed off – no fair!
Watching everyone stream by on the 1st ½ mile of paved road was pretty awesome – so many people on it from the word go. I made sure I set a modest pace that I could hopefully sustain. The first few climbs on Blackstar gave the usual awesome view of a stream of lights snaking up the mountain. It was a full moon with a strong cold breeze that really woke you up - the view and sensations were just superb. I got to Beeks in just under an hour which felt right. Heading up to Pleasants Peak the strong winds continued but the view of the sun coming up below next to Lake Perris was simply incredible. With the dawn light came a change in my mood. I got over my feeling of not being ‘in a race’ which I think came in part from the fact that I was feeling a notch older having turned 40 and partly because Sarah and my friends had got so much faster than me with their proper training programs. I started to enjoy the smells of Spring around me, the warm morning sun and chat to the odd rider, a lot of whom passed to and fro for the entire route. Steve Ford – always so calm and mellow - was out there and enjoying himself and Heather Hawke whom I’d met on Christmas day (during the maiden voyage of my Epic) was out there smiling as ever. I noted some dude all in black on a white Ibis who was forcing his way past a few people but thought nothing more of it. Main Divide past by without too much drama and I was soon heading down Motorway. Without the focus of ‘racing’ I was worried about holding people up on the downhill but I kept a good pace and let people by when I could and passed a few others.
Getting to the bottom the support team for Sarah, Ryan and I had made an enormous team sign. I think they were expecting me to blaze up and be in a major rush but it felt good to be able to take my time for once, sip my Espresso and find out how the others were doing. The feeling that I was no longer a racer briefly returned but I put it out of my mind, thanked Andy, Lynn and Kt and headed off. Just up the road was my friend Graham who was out to do some of the climb with Paul Georgie. I chatted to Graham for a while whilst some guy that I was passing made a comment about it being so much harder for him because my bike was better. My fraud feeling returned again and I had to face up to what was going on with me. I used to ride a lot and ride hard. I was decently quick and was once lucky to make the top ten of the Counting Coup. If I was honest my back injury and leg issues had really dented my enthusiasm to ride, as a result I wasn’t as strong and was less motivated. I just felt like I didn’t have it anymore to some degree. People remembered me as being pretty strong and hey now I have this super race bike and yet I just didn’t have it. I countered with the fact that despite the pain I’d been through and the physical therapy and getting a bit older I was out there taking on a new challenge that I’d deliberately made hard by not training for long rides like usual. I might not be as strong but I was taking on a bigger challenge and would be a better man. Right on cue when thinking about the challenge my Achilles heal – cramp - hit me hard and I wasn’t even half way up Maple. It was pretty severe and I had to stop. My doubts were back and I had to face whether I could actually push through the Vision Quest or whether I should just roll back down to the support guys who were probably still down there. The pain could be over right now, no more cramp, no more pain, no more doubts – all I had to do was turn around. I was pretty sure Sarah was going to win the women’s race for Counting Coup and set a time that was so far beyond my best that no matter how I did on the Vision Quest I felt she’d be disappointed against her idea of what constituted a decent performance. My desire to bail was still there but I had a drink (as it was now getting pretty hot) had some margarita flavor electrolyte chews and decided that I would do my best to carry on even if it meant I had to walk - Which I’d never done before. I walked until my legs felt looser, got back on and pushed on for Four Corners. The cramp of course came back forcing me to walk again. Last time I was out here for a Warriors Event I was at maximum attack pinning it and here I was walking along. I was having a hard time fighting off my doubts and from somewhere I remembered some crazy song by William Shatner (Capt Kirk!) called ‘Has Been’ where he croons ‘what are you afraid of? Failure? So am I’ The Shat’ is a legend!
I got distracted from all this when I spotted the guy in black on the white Ibis again. He was smoking up a bowl of what appeared to be either PCP or Crystal Meth at the side of the trail! After a few moments he came hauling past eyes wide and mouth gaping wide open with a look like someone experiencing a fair ground ride for the first time ever – pretty funny but a bad example to others out there.
I deliberately hadn’t looked when the cut offs were and was now concerned about whether I would make the cut off at the bottom of HJ. Steve Ford appeared again and in his super relaxed style he assured me I would make it with a lot of time to spare despite all my walking. A break at 4 Corners allowed me a brief rest but then the rocky push to Modjeska Peak started to crush me. My hamstring and glute issue was back and I could feel everything tightening up and getting extremely painful. Cramp and my muscle issues were sending me to a painful place. I sank some Ibuprofen and soldiered on. A rider passed me and offered encouragement – at least I was moving forward he said grinning at me. From nowhere I started thinking about my Father who had died some 24yrs earlier. He had been a keen rider himself and I wondered what he would think of me doing the Vision Quest or whether he used to get cramp and what the hardest ride he ever did was. I had the strangest feeling about all this that I can’t quite put into words but I was certainly feeling emotional all of a sudden. Somehow during this reflective period I’d ridden the rest of the way up to Modjeska and most of the way up to the peak before the cramp came back. Funny how focusing on some things can allow you to send the pain somewhere else temporarily.
Upper HJ flew by and I rode as much as ever – the larger 29er wheels giving me an easier time than in previous years with the small wheels. Lower HJ was super fun although I had a few close run things with hikers diving all over the place. Their flesh didn’t stand a chance against my carbon – just kidding, the hikers were pretty good even though there were a lot of them.
Andy was waiting to perform another pit stop at the bottom of Holy Jim – he used to be in F1 and Indy Car teams so he was perhaps a little too keen to tear the bottle from the frame and load me back up with water. If he’d have tried to change my wheels it probably wouldn’t have surprised me. I’d made the cut off and headed off towards the Trabuco trail – I’d normally be blasting downhill at full speed to the finish but I was now in uncharted territory. I’d never ridden this way before and hadn’t been near Trabuco in years. I made it to the singletrack when the cramp came back worse than ever. I couldn’t pedal at all and walking was really difficult on the rocky narrow trail especially with riders coming the other way at full steam. It was now seriously hot too. There were two support people along the trail who were whooping, hollering and battering their cow bells for everyone – much appreciated. It seemed like an eternity but I walked pretty much all the way to the bottom of WHT and made it with 45mins to spare. I was so relieved. Along the section to the bottom of WHT were two other guys, they also pushed when they had to and wore expressions similar to mine. We shared looks of recognition. Looks that said – ‘what are we doing out here?’, ‘I hurt all over’ but we also wore smiles that said something about the state we were in.
I ‘d hiked WHT once before back in 2004 and didn’t really recall its length or gradient. WHT was in direct sunlight now and the heat was searing. After years of hiking in the Welsh mountains with my Uncle I found that although I couldn’t pedal at all I could certainly hike. At least for a while – after maybe 20minutes I began to feel the hard leather of the cycling shoes digging ever deeper into my heels, pulling the skin off. I went on and on for what seemed like an age and was limping with pain – don’t people take shoes to hike in?! I passed a lot of the people I’d been seeing all day and figured I must be near the top. I was stopping every 50ft for a quick break such was the exertion in the heat. I came around a tight corner to see two sights – the first was a long maybe 200yd straight littered with people either draped over their stationary bikes or sat on the floor. One guy had head in his hands, another saying that he was going to vomit. Then looking up, way up, I could see tiny helmeted heads bobbing along. NO!! I figured I was near the top but I was nowhere near. The sight was soul crushing. WHT had become WTF. I’d found Steve again and his usual composure had given way to ‘this is insanity!!!’. Someone else joked ‘have you had the vision yet?!’
At this point I had no doubt that I would not continue despite the pain and tiredness. I carried on and on reaching the short down slope near the top of WHT where I could get back on my bike. I wore a simply enormous smile that out shone the meth-head dudes grin as the blister pain from my feet ended and my wonderful bike rolled me into a cooling breeze all on its own. Travelling without moving never felt so good. I hobbled up to the Aid Station and despite the burger at one point in the ride seeming like something to really look forward to I now couldn’t stomach the idea of one, nor anything even vaguely sweet. Then everything went weird. I stood there swaying to and fro and pondered the answer to the question of what I would like to eat. I don’t really like tomatoes so much but right now it looked so good for some reason so I asked if I could have just some tomato. I got an odd look but ate some – tasted awesome. Then I spotted someone having a burger – with mustard. I hate mustard. Haven’t had it in years and yet suddenly some subconscious urge in me wanted mustard. Right now - and loads of it. I got some potato chips and got mustard put all over them. Tasted phenomenal! I told the support crew that I must be pregnant or something such were the weird cravings of my body. I got back on the bike and enjoyed the breeze on Main Divide after the solid heat of WHT. Crystal Meth/Angel dust guy came by strong after that, clearly running on the kind of special energy that Britain’s Tommy Simpson used to relish in the Tour de France.
Having the Warrior’s people at the top of Trabuco call out my name felt really good. I was going to make it. I might not have gotten close to any kind of former glory but I was going to be able to push through. I just had to make it down Trabuco without any mishaps. My brakes were thrashed and howled on every application of the lever now but my main problem was hardly being able to keep the bike in a straight line – my arms had pretty much given up. Those I’d hiked past came blazing by but I was too exhausted to really notice who it was. I was mentally pooped but kept it all together and even managed a solid 20mph all the way to the finish on the fireroad. I was swearing to myself that I was never going to do this again and I wouldn’t have to because my GPS was recording every last mile and it would be preserved on Geoladders. Less than 2 miles to go and the GPS battery dies – NOOOOO! Maybe I’m destined to do it again after all. Sarah was waiting at the finish with our dog and I’d like to tell you the relief was amazing but I was simply too frazzled to really know what was going on. I wanted a challenge, to push my limits and that’s just what I got. A few days later writing this and reflecting on the whole thing it was pretty awesome. I resolved my feelings about not being as strong as I was in years gone by when I remembered something from a Rocky movie. It might seem cheesy but it really said ‘Vision Quest’ to me: “It’s not how hard you can hit but how hard you can get hit and keep on fighting”. I found that although I get a lot of self doubt there’s something in me somewhere that doesn’t listen and allows me to always keep on going. I never got to ask my Dad about his epic rides into the mountains with his friends but I’d like to dedicate this one to him.
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